Dating the Second Choice Is Common and OK, Experts Weigh In
Updated February 19, 2025
Few of us are courageous enough to acknowledge it, yet we don't necessarily finish up with our first choice in serious and long-term relationships. We all compromise for "second best" from time to time, and that's normally fine. You could also be your partner's second choice without even knowing it, particularly if they have previously had a long-term relationship.
In the latest series of Netflix's infamously disastrous dating show "Love Is Blind," where singles meet through a wall, fall in love, and propose before ever seeing one another, that somewhat awkward relationship subtext was made clear.
Why do I have the impression that I'm not the one?
"Many of us have powerful memories of our first love, and when we speak about them with zeal, it can make our partners nervous," explains Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist at the University of Washington who specializes in relationships and sexuality. However, these feelings might sometimes be owing to deeper feelings of internalized uncertainty and self-doubt, rather than our partner. "Think about where these thoughts came from if being with your partner triggers feelings of becoming second best," Applebury advises. "On average, we are drawn to partners who have comparable feelings to what we had as children since this supports the basic ideas we formed about ourselves as children."
There's no "the one"
Why does the concept of winding up with one's "alternative pick" terrify so many of us? Apart from the use of terminology, such as "second options", "backup plans" and "alternative picks", which is undeniably nasty, perhaps it's because we're hopelessly attached to our belief in soul mates. Personally, I believe that the sooner you let go of the notion that you have only one soul mate traveling the Earth searching for you, the quicker you can date with clarity and purpose, and actually meet someone decent.
There is no such thing as "the one". "The ones", however, is what singles should embrace the diversity of, people who may be perfect, loving, long-term companions for each of us if we had adequate physical compatibility and mutual effort. The odds are on your side!
"People's preconceptions about soul mates hold them back," says Kate Stoddard, a marital and family counselor at Wellspace SF. "This conjointly indicates that there'll perpetually be only one who will meet a human intellectual and soul wishes which whenever we have a tendency to establish that companion, we'll clearly perceive. However, there is a heap that goes into however we decide our partners. Only one person can succeed in winning someone's heart as once someone realizes that they are the only one, we'll just perceive. This is exactly why varied folks are cautious concerning creating second selections."
Of course, we must look for physical attraction, but we must also look for an intellectual and emotional connection. Then there are the less exciting factors – logistical considerations, like kinship, ideological tolerance and socio-economic position for some.
In the long run, "the one" isn't always the one who can give you emotional stability. First-round picks aren't usually the most reliable, particularly if you grew up with emotionally distant or weak parents. In young adulthood, it's all too normal to imitate such behavior by finding out emotionally distant companions. "My greatest loves didn't necessarily go hand in hand with being the best partnerships," one man stated in a viral Twitter thread about second choices in 2018.
According to Samantha Burns, a millennial dating coach and writer of "Done With Dating: 7 Steps to Finding Your Person," series such as "Love Is Blind" and even "The Bachelor", for all of their flaws, have proven how difficult it is to find the most compatible match.
"Having hassle deciding whom you're keen on or actually need 'the one most' is difficult as a result of people create America feel other ways and trigger totally different aspects of ourselves, and people's feelings are perpetually moving, deepening, or decreasing," she noted.
What steps can you take to ensure that your second choice is the best option? If you're having second thoughts about your choices, it could be because you didn't give yourself enough time to recover from the rejection of your initial choice, according to Sarah Spencer Northey, a Washington, D.C.-based marital and family therapist. Trying to make it work with the ones you love now, in the end, boils down to two things: deliberately choosing them and reaffirming yourself that partnerships can continue if both people prioritize one other and put in the effort.
Every relationship is unique, but you must embrace and appreciate that yours has its own set of strengths, even if they differ from those of your partner's prior relationships.
There is room in healthy relationships to appreciate and cherish your partner's previous relationships while also knowing that what you have together is unique and special in its own way. So, while your spouse may have had a fantastic relationship with their former partner, that doesn't imply you can't have one as well.
If monogamy is what you're chasing, your second option will eventually become your first choice, your greatest choice, ideally for the rest of your life.
Conclusion
The truth is that we have these thoughts because we are insecure. You simply need to learn to be more confident in yourself. Stop overthinking, overanalyzing circumstances, judging yourself, comparing yourself, and being so concerned about bad reputations. Simply be yourself, and if somebody doesn't like it, don't change; simply remove them from your life. Love yourself and appreciate yourself. Act confidently and socialize to meet new people. It's a poor idea to let your insecurities get the best of you. It's challenging, but the adventure is well worth it. You have to be able to overcome it and enjoy your life further as being a second choice is quite normal nowadays.
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